Anxious Attachment in Couples: Overcoming Distrust and Insecurity

Do you feel that either you or your partner has difficulty trusting the other? Do you find that you or your partner struggle with needing constant reassurance? Do you feel stressed, drained, or overwhelmed as a result of these anxious behaviours? This can be a sign that there is an anxious attachment in the relationship. 

Attachment styles develop from childhood, and an anxious attachment is a result of the child’s caregivers being inconsistent with their responses. These attachment styles stay with us into adulthood and affect how we respond to situations in a relationship.

Anxious attachment in relationships can be difficult to manage, but some strategies can help partners work through these hardships and develop a sense of groundedness and security. 

Recognizing and Understanding Anxious Attachment Patterns in Relationships

Knowing what the signs of an anxious attachment pattern are can help you determine if these attachment insecurities might be contributing to challenges in your relationship.

Someone with an anxious attachment may want to be in a romantic relationship more than anything, but still find it incredibly stressful. They may constantly struggle with a sense of uncertainty, even if their partner provides consistent affection and engagement. An anxiously attached individual is very attuned to their partner’s needs but will also project their insecurities onto their partner, making them feel undeserving of love. They may seek constant validation and reassurance that never seems to be enough, which can be challenging for their partner. 

If you find that your partner is fearful of being abandoned and rejected, acts hypervigilant toward threats to the relationship, or requires constant reassurance while readily seeking comfort, they may be struggling with anxious attachment.

It can be hard to understand why anxious partners behave in these ways, but it is rooted in how they developed and learned a system of understanding the world and how people relate to one another during childhood. Their patterns continue in their romantic relationships, and the low self-esteem that often comes with anxious attachment creates intense, ongoing worries that they are not good enough for their partner, which can be difficult to redirect and manage. 

How Couples Therapy Can Help Anxious Attachment in Couples

Couples therapy with the attachment therapy method can help couples struggling to build security in a relationship because of anxious attachment. 

There are strategies in place to help challenge old patterns of behaviour that are creating feelings of distrust and insecurity. We look at the emotions couples are experiencing in a relationship, and help the individuals in finding self-assurance and security through empowerment, building self-esteem, and self-affirming techniques in moments of relationship anxiety.

It may feel frustrating as someone with an anxious attachment that you struggle to manage your thoughts and fears alone, but it is important to recognize that these patterns of behaviour come from childhood, and to be kind and encouraging to yourself on your journey. Therapy can help resolve these issues from early childhood and work on your current relationships to form something healthier and more secure.

Strategies for Overcoming Distrust and Insecurity in Anxious-Preoccupied Couples

Being in a relationship surrounded by distrust and insecurity is not beneficial for either partner involved, which is why it's important that both partners feel they are able to openly communicate feelings to each other. A partner with an anxious attachment should talk about what makes them feel anxious and why, because this can help the other partner understand the anxious attachment perspective more without feeling confused or targeted. As an individual with an anxious attachment, it is important to start communicating your own needs to your partner and being open about your own needs, since you likely have been used to prioritizing others’ needs and downplaying your own. 

For the other partner, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and stuck on how to respond or behave in ways that actually support and redirect anxious thoughts, but there are effective ways to support your partner when you are both being challenged.

It is important to establish healthy boundaries with your anxious partner. Doing this while discussing how you can make them feel secure in the relationship is a great way to keep yourself in mind while also helping your partner. It's important to keep this behaviour consistent as well, as inconsistent behaviour can be a trigger for someone who is anxiously attached. 

Allowing your partner to voice their anxieties while also challenging their way of thinking is a good medium for supporting them and working with them to overcome their insecurities and try to promote more trust.

There is always support available if you feel you and your partner are struggling with the things mentioned above.

Being in a relationship with anxious attachment can be difficult and create a lot of frustration for both parties involved, but you are not alone. It can be intimidating to go to therapy to seek help for your relationship and how to overcome anxious attachment thinking and behaviour. We are here to help you and your partner work through feelings of distrust, anxiety, insecurity, and jealousy in the relationship with tools and strategies. 

If this feels like something you are interested in, please reach out to us for more information about couples therapy and attachment therapy.